does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
