I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
