Are we in a gay sports bar?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
