Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize