So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
