My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
