the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize