I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
