You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
