I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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