listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
