Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
