He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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