Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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