My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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