cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
