So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We smell like vodka and hangover
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
