Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
