I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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