Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you inspire me to be a worse person
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
