Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
