every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
