Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
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