Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
