please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
