Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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