not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
