I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
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