guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
