i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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