she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
