I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
