Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Even my vagina gasped.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
