I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
