I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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