Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
