Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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