Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
