My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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