you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
