Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
