Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
