Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
