At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
