smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
