shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
