My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
