and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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