i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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