the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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