cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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