dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
