dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
