my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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