remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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