I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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