I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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