just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
