Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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