Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
the raccoons are back...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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