Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Randomize
