Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
