my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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