Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
