dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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