Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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